omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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