I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
