you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
