you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
