Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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