I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
