Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dear god my vagina.
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