checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
