If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
