so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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