why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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