Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
