Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
