I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
