whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
