i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
