based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
