i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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