Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
