I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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