Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
