If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
