The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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