Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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