Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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