You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
