After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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