Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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