y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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