first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
