At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
