It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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