neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You took a bar mat shot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
