It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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