honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
