all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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