Christians are straight up FREAKS
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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