you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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