her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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