Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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