Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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