My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
