Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
