I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
