You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
