Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
