We're facebook friends in real life
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
