oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
