He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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