I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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