just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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