I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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