Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
